Zachary Taylor

This is the tale of President Zachary Taylor.

It is also a tale...

...of MURDER.


Before we get to that, though, let's race through the pleasant stuff.  Born in 1784, Zachary Taylor was a war hero.  a Mexican-AMERICAN war hero (on the American side).  While serving in the military, he established significant "landholdings," and it was subsequently suggested, by most, that he should be the President of the United States.


So he ran for President, and WON.

Hence, murder.


Onto our story...

Zachary Taylor was allegedly ASSASSINATED in the form of a poisoned fruit dessert.  They were unable to prove it at the time, because magnifying glasses and other ways of solving crimes had not been invented yet.  If you were a crime-solving person in the year 1850 all you could really do was rub your chin all skeptical and "wonder."  Maybe smoke a pipe.  Then before you knew it Christmas would come and all would be forgotten.

The purported reason behind his murder was that he opposed slavery, which was a very controversial topic at the time.  Like a lot of people that opposed slavery in 1850, Zachary Taylor attempted to lay low and avoid controversy by simply OWNING SLAVES.

Not a very good plan, on any level.  Sooner or later it's gonna catch up with you.


Zachary Taylor became sick and died when he ate cherries with iced milk after serving only 16 months as President.  How damn peculiar.

Good thing the U.S. Government can never let things go.  They EXHUMED him in 1991 to get to the bottom of the whole thing.  The lab results were inconclusive, so then I guess they just put him back.  Gave somebody an interesting story to tell at the dinner table that night, I suppose.

Husband: Guess what *I* did at work today?  I dug up President Zachary Taylor's body with a big yellow CRANE.

Wife: Well things are pretty interesting at the middle school too, this big fundraiser we're having.


My favorite thing about Zachary Taylor is that he did not CARE about politics.  He only cared about being a good war general, but became President anyway because everybody told him to.  That's how you do it in politics, act all sheepish and disinterested.  The public will then insist you are the man for the job.

Reporter: Excuse me President Taylor, why do you want to be President?

Zachary Taylor: I do not know what is going on.  Next question.

Reporter: As President, will you end all WARS?

Zachary Taylor: Definitely not.  Next question.

Reporter: What about people having MONEY?

Zachary Taylor: I'm okay with it.  Next question.

...

Zachary Taylor: Nothing?  Really?

...

Zachary Taylor: Okay good, what time's dessert?


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