James K. Polk

(He required himself to use the "K" to distinguish himself, as President, from all other noteworthy James Polks.)

Polk (yes THAT Polk) is generally regarded as a great President.  He was real good at invading and annexing, back when those were necessary things to do.  In modern times, most things have already been successfully invaded or annexed.  (Exception:  the "Northwest Territories" from the board game "RISK." People still don't know what that is.)

Polk's nickname was the "Napoleon of the Stump."  Seriously.

I am a very nice person so I generally don't go around nicknaming people but if I were to ever do so it would NOT be THAT.  APPARENTLY as a pre-Presidential version of James K. Polk he had to stand on a tree stump in order to be tall enough to get people's attention.  Platforms and stages had not been invented yet. That came later, mainly during the Lincoln era.  (As if THAT guy needed to be taller.)

This is unconfirmed, including by me, but James K. Polk was apparently the first President that tried to officially ban "nicknames."  He failed, at that.

What he DID succeed at was expanding the dimensions of the United States of America.  More space.  He obviously could not do it ALL himself but he did that thing, for all of us, where you get to move from a real shitty apartment into a way better apartment that at least has windows and a balcony.

James K. Polk, upon becoming President, vowed to serve only one term.  He successfully accomplished all of his Presidential goals during that term.  True to his word, he did not seek re-election, and then died shortly thereafter.

Goodbye James K. Polk, forever.


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John Tyler

Imagine being THIS guy.

He gets elected as vice-president and is presumably all excited and then a MONTH later his boss DIES and he suddenly has to be the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES.

What was that morning like?  When he got the news?  "Well okay I guess."

and what did he say to people?  Probably "It is what it is."


Nobody, besides like 44 people, knows what it is like to be President.  Was there a long "to do" list on the desk the moment he walked in?

"call germany"

"pick up Presidential laundry"

"watch out for that gardener that's stealing"

"dentist on tues."

"write speech"

"keep an eye on wars"

"kid has science project, either help or at least fake helping"

"get more places to be STATES"

"ban something"

"go to the LUNCHEON"

"and don't forget secretary's day.  ALL of them"


That would be quite the task list, your first day on the job.  and he didn't even RUN for President.  He just sort of fell into it because the regular President died or whatever.

America salutes you, John Tyler.  One of the very first round-numbered Presidents of all time.


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William Henry Harrison

Let's be real.  William Henry Harrison is known for one thing.

DYING.

If you are only reading this because you are a grade school kid that was FORCED to research him or some otherwise weird sucka please allow me to explain.

William Henry Harrison thought he was gonna be a real good President.  He got over-excited after the election and decided to deliver the longest inaugural address in history.  It wasn't like modern times.  There was no Fleetwood Mac.  There was no Anderson Cooper.  It was just William Henry Harrison standing in the rain for two hours with no coat on and lots of people listening.

a month later, he died from pneumonia.  (Go figure.)

Who is to blame?  If the President of the United States feels like standing in the rain with no coat on, how do you make him shut-up and put a jacket on?  You can't!  Don't even try, you will be arrested and/or shot.

It was the first instance in which a Vice-President had to take over as Actual-President.  John Tyler automatically ascended.  I often wonder if he considered that a "good work day" or a "bad work day?"  On one hand, he and the dead William Henry Harrison must have at least been sort-of friends, but on the other, he all of a sudden became PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES.  (of America)

I bet he did a huge coffee spit-take when he first got the news.

"What the F?  I barely had a chance to learn how to be VICE President yet and now I gotta do EVERYTHING?"

Hopefully he got a raise.


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Martin Van Buren

a main thing about Martin Van Buren is that he was Dutch.  Not straight off the BOAT Dutch, but English was not his first language.  Like most of the Presidents that would follow him, he had to learn English from scratch.

Somehow, he got elected anyway.  I guess being Dutch wasn't too huge of a scandal in those times.  Martin Van Buren was generally good about evading scandals except for the Petticoat Affair and also marrying his cousin.

OKAY, full disclosure, it was his "first cousin once removed."  I suppose that's harmless.  No kind of mutant "Van Buren's Disease" trickled down from the incident, and she at least was not an intern.

another main thing about Martin Van Buren was that an economic depression occurred under his Presidential watch (figuratively).

The economy got so bad that he was nicknamed "Martin Van Ruin."  That is not a joke.  Well actually it IS a joke, just not one of mine.  It was other people saying it.

I have been unable to confirm this, since most of my researchers are not old enough to be dead yet, but Martin Van Buren is widely believed to have been the President/person that popularized the usage of the expression "O.K."  Some people choose to spell it out fully as "okay," including me.  I can see that I did it earlier, in between breaks.

In summary, whether or not it's factual that Martin Van Buren invented saying that, he is always going to be okie-dokie with me.


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Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson was perhaps the most EXCITING President.  He was the first President that someone attempted to assassinate.  an unemployed British housepainter fired two different pistols at him, both of which misfired, so Andrew Jackson survived.  Most historians believe that the guns did not fire correctly because there was too much humidity in the air.  Guns were not as reliable to use in Andrew Jackson times, they were not built as well.  a much smaller group of historians simply blame it on the would-be assassin being British, but I think that is probably just a case of historians liking to kid around in their own private way.

The two misfirings were consecutive, by which I mean that the assassin had both pistols on him at once.  He did not have to turn around and run home real quick to get a different gun after the first one didn't work.  So it might have been a good idea to bring along a third or even FOURTH gun if he was having doubts going into the situation, but I guess he could only afford two.  He was unemployed, after all.

But even before someone tried to KILL him, Andrew Jackson was also the first President to get punched.  an officer that he had fired from the Navy for EMBEZZLING (see how exciting all of this is?) snuck up and sucker-punched him while he was on his way to a ceremony to honor George Washington's late MOTHER.  Members of President Jackson's entourage then chased the assailant away.  So wow, what a bad person.  He got kicked out of the Navy for stealing, stalked and punched the President, did not care about George Washington's mother at all, and then just ran away.

Andrew Jackson did not press charges, which is sort of weird because he was very fond of DUELS.  and he was good at duels.  He killed people!  and THEN became President.  Imagine that nowadays.  His nickname was "Old Hickory" because he was known for his toughness, and hickory is one of the toughest woods.

Jackson is famous for eliminating the National Bank.  He thought banks were evil and untrustworthy and also that the lines were too long.  So banks became private after that, and remain so to this day.  You can go to any bank you want, as long as you have money.

Andrew Jackson did not win his first bid for the Presidency.  He lost to John Quincy Adams, but it was kind of corrupt, so 4 years later he came back for revenge and won by a landslide.  He and Adams were fairly bitter enemies.  In an early example of political scandal, Jackson's detractors made public the fact that his wife was a bigamist.  Now I know you're probably saying "OH BIG DEAL," but scandals like that were taken very seriously up until Clinton.  His enemies also called him a "jack-ass" a lot, possibly because his name was "Jack-son," or it might have just been an insult in general.  But as tough as he was, inside and out, Old Hickory decided he LIKED the term "jackass" and that is why it remains a symbol used by the Democratic Party to this day.  If you don't believe me, look it up.  Somewhere besides here, I mean.

In summary, even though he was constantly infuriating people, Andrew Jackson still accomplished a LOT, paving the way for future Presidents and other politicians that had to persevere in spite of constantly getting picked on and/or shot at.  The guy was money, especially the $20 bill type of money.


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John Quincy Adams

John Quincy Adams was the first President of the United States to have his photograph taken.  In the picture above, you can see the pose that he decided on.  He must have thought it was gonna take way longer for the film to develop or something, otherwise nobody would ever pick that pose.  ("What's a PICTURE?  Seems like this is gonna be a long WAIT.  Might as well be grumpy.")

Obviously, this guy's dad was President, too.  Neither was elected to a second term.  I bet things were said about that at holiday dinners.  One of them says "It's all politics!" and then some drunken or other in-law relative says "Yep, too bad you guys suck at that."

Eating side-by-side all mad.

"Pass the potatoes, son..."

"There's none left, dad."

"Well, can you believe we at least both got to be PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES?"

"No, not really dad.  and there's no gravy left either."


Here is a complete list of States that John Quincy Adams admitted into the Union as President of the United States:

.....

.....

.....

There weren't any!  and a lot of areas had not been conquered yet.  What was he DOING all that time?

Probably NOT drugs, but who could ever know for certain?

Andrew Jackson defeated J.Q. Adams for the Presidency to legally deny him a second term.  He couldn't even call him to gloat, the White House did not have a phone yet.  So they just waited until he got bitter and moved out.

He sure was mad all the time though, same as his father.  Who was the first "smiling" President?  The people on money never do it.  Somebody should be known as the first President that smiled a lot.  It wasn't Quincy, but also had to be WAY before Carter.  Those people were not alike.  Nope, not at all.


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James Monroe

In the early 19th century, it was generally agreed upon that "James" was a good name for a President.  I guess because it was a system that had previously worked out reasonably well with kings.  Not every James makes a good President, and not every James makes a bad king, but as a rule of thumb it usually turns out halfway decent.

James Monroe was elected President in 1816.  He won easily, no one even tried to ACT surprised.  The only main fellow that tried to run against him was someone named Rufus King.  Had Rufus King won, he would have been immediately cemented as the most important "Rufus" in the history of time.  He obviously did not even come close to winning, though, meaning that the door is still open for someone ELSE to become the all-time most important "Rufus."  Unfortunately, no one has been stepping up lately.

"There will never be a King Rufus, but there always will technically have been a Rufus King."  - The unsubstantiated closure to his would-be inaugural address. 

Anyhoo, enough picking on failures for now, let's get back to Monroe.  He achieved some important accomplishments.  Most notably, the MONROE DOCTRINE.

!!!

(no photo available)

Ever wonder how Americans got to enjoy such good freedom and possess so many states?  Well let me tell you, we used to have WAY less (of both).   Nowadays, the U.S. is the world's greatest melting pot, at least figuratively.  We welcome good people from all nations and cultures and potentially even other planets.  Back in James Monroe times, however, European nations were not only unable to stop fighting amongst themselves, they wanted to come over to America to fight, too.  Since fighting is not peaceful and also Un-American, the President was not okay with that.  Europe also had its collective eyes on Central and South America.  Oh no no no, said James Monroe (rhyme time).  He made it CLEAR that they could not interFERE (oh yeah).  In other words, mind your own beeswax and STAY AWAY, Europe.  For ONCE.

They finally did, and were almost never heard from again.


James Monroe died on July 4, 1831, making him the 3rd out of 4 dead Presidents to expire on the 4th of July.  (Madison outlived him.)  Again, the 3rd out of 4 Presidents to die ON the 4th of July.  Which of course is, was, and always will be America's BIRTHday.  In the long run it turned out to just be a happy coincidence, but imagine how creeped out everybody must have been back then.  Especially the still-alive James Madison.  Every July 4th, "Oh no!  Today will be it!  Washington's ghost is gonna come an' GIT me!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Instead, he just died on a regular day like most people.  Not everybody is a popular freak like James Monroe.


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James Madison

The tiniest President, but NOT of insignificant importance!  James Madison championed the BILL of RIGHTS, supervised the Louisiana Purchase, and was a key contributor to the Federalist Papers.  In fact he wrote some of the very BEST Federalist Papers.  Not all of them, though.  Some of his friends wrote really good ones too, but there's no need to get competitive during a time of war.

I think it's safe to say that even though he was so small in stature, James Madison's professional accomplishments were impressive enough that they completely overwhelmed and eradicated any possible scrutiny of his height and weight.  So let's do that now.

He was 5'4" and never weighed more than 100 pounds in his entire life.  Imagine him standing next to George Washington, especially shirtless at the beach with girls around.  It's well documented that they knew each other.  Would Washington kick sand at him?  "I cannot tell a lie, I kicked sand at James Madison."

In spite of being so small, he was good with girls.  He successfully convinced Dolly Madison to MARRY him.  (Did he get down on one knee?  If so, could she tell?  Har.)

Dolly Madison named herself "First Lady," which is still a thing, even now.  She invented that, if you ever wondered.  Contrary to popular rumor, however, she did NOT invent any mass-produced snack cakes.  ("I cannot tell a lie, I did not invent Zingers.")

In the year 1812, James Madison decided to thrust America into the War of 1812.  He felt the timing was right.

James Madison got real paranoid towards the end of his life.  He was both going broke and becoming obsessed with his own legacy, compulsively tampering with many of the letters and documents he would ultimately leave behind.  He is even rumored to have forged Thomas Jefferson's handwriting, which was easy to do because he could just copy it from the Declaration of Independence.


***FAKE DOCUMENT EXAMPLE***

(warning: not real)

Madison: Mr. Jefferson, am I the greatest President to date?

Jefferson: Yes Jammes Madison.

Madison: There's only one m in "James," Mr. Jefferson.

Jefferson: Oopps.


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Thomas Jefferson

If there's one thing Thomas Jefferson is known for, it's being President.  If there's two, it's for writing the Declaration of Independence.  I don't know why he's better known for the first thing.  Dozens of people have been President, but so far only one such Declaration has ever been written.  and if someone ever has to write another one it probably won't be as good.

a main thing that Thomas Jefferson accomplished (while President) was the Louisiana Purchase.  In name, that might not sound like much, but keep in mind that Louisiana was way bigger back then.  In fact, it was about the same size as the United States itself!  So after that, we had twice as much land.  He bought 828,000 square miles of land for what would nowadays come to about 42 cents per acre.  It turned out to be a pretty good idea in the long run.  The land was purchased from the French, who were pretty desperate to sell.  Napoleon was in charge of France at the time and way too busy to keep up the property.

The next step for Jefferson would be finding out exactly what he just bought!  He commissioned Lewis and Clark to go exploring and draw good accurate maps, or at least try their best.  (Drawing a map of 828,000 square miles is ridiculously challenging when you have to ballpark it using eyesight, so Jefferson was understandably patient.)  He also had them go BEYOND the new territory and investigate the mysterious Pacific Northwest.  No one had wanted to go there previously, possibly because of all the rain.  Lewis and Clark were the first to explore it, besides Native Americans, but it doesn't "count" as exploring if you're already there.  The Pacific Northwest would later be fully welcomed into the United States, but it is still mysterious.

Meanwhile, back in Washington, Thomas Jefferson was in the process of amassing thousands of books for his personal library.  He really liked reading!  Jefferson was pretty well settled in at Monticello (his home, people used to NAME their HOMES) by then, with no plans of ever moving, and good thing because anyone who's ever moved can tell you that books are very heavy.  Eventually he would sell his entire collection to Congress after the British burned their original library down.  He immediately regretted it, went into withdrawal, and just started buying tons of books again.  I would like it if Thomas Jefferson was known as "The Bookworm President," but for some reason he is not.

Not everything Thomas Jefferson did was good.  Far from it.  While he always professed to be anti-slavery, it is also well documented that he kept many slaves at the same time.  He tried to justify it by claiming that he was extra nice and caring towards his slaves, but to that I gotta say "No Way Tommy Jay."  You can't have it both ways.  If your ghost is still around and reading this blog I would like to tell you that what you did was bad and wrong.  and also if your ghost is still around and reading this please do not pay me a visit to argue the point.  You were just wrong.  Stay away from me.

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John Adams

The second President, but far from second-rate!  He was an influential figure in law, government, international diplomacy, and the founding of big ol' America itself.  Prepare to read all about him!

Early in life, John Adams was a lawyer, but not the bad kind.  He did not chase ambulances.  He DID represent the British soldiers that perpetrated the Boston Massacre of 1770.  He did so because he felt it was the right thing to do.  No kickbacks.  Well, he probably picked up some British slang and learned some cool drinking games, but those don't count as kickbacks.  He was an honest man.  Not as honest as Lincoln, but nobody is.

Adams served as Vice President under George Washington.  They made quite the odd couple, Adams being a fussbudget lawyer and Washington being a dramatic war general.  They were not friends.  The President and Vice President used to not be "buddies" like they are today.  The LOSER of the election was made Vice President.  In the case of the first election, that loser was John Adams.  He was pretty bitter about it.  You would be too, being cemented forever in history as #2.  They could have added extra sting by putting his picture on the TWO-dollar bill, but didn't.

Eventually he got his turn to be President.  Washington had enough and decided to retire.  Before taking office, Adams had for years lobbied to have the President's official title and job description expanded.  His ideas included "His Majesty the President" and "His High Mightiness, the President of the United States and Protector of Their Liberties."  So you can tell he was really looking forward to it.

a main thing he did was sign the Alien and Sedition Acts.  There was a lot of paranoia at the time in regards to French and other immigrants, so John Adams decided to take ACTION.  However, since America has always been all about freedom, this did not go over well, and French-Americans enjoy a prominent presence in our restaurants to this day.  ("BAM!")  No action was taken against outer space type aliens under the Adams administration because nobody knew about those yet.
  
John Adams had ADVENTURES.  Congress twice dispatched him to Europe by boat ("Enjoy your trip, your majesty!') through winter storms and lightning.  He survived the voyage unharmed both times, but others did not.  He was pursued by enemy ships, and there was at least one battle with cannons and everything.  Finally, though, he made it.  French was the international language of diplomacy at the time.  John Adams did not speak it.  Oops.

He served only one term as President, and then was ousted by his own Vice President, Thomas Jefferson.  (Again, nobody got along with the Vice President back then.)  They reconciled later in life, became pen pals, and then died on the same day, which was also the 4th of July.  (I am NOT making this UP.)  The 4th of July did not become a holiday because of that, it already was one.

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George Washington

The first President, and one of the best.  It was for this reason that he was given the honor of having his face on the $1 bill.  FOREVER.  They unfortunately could not find a better picture of him.  No cameras, and nobody thought to paint a portrait of him until he already looked like an old lady.  He was once a tall and impressive war general, but there's little time for portraits during battle.

George Washington was very strong and also good at dancing and riding horses.  It was for these reasons and many others that he had no trouble finding a spouse.  He married Martha Washington.  It was her second marriage, but that's okay.  Also she had a lot of money going into the relationship, but that's okay too.  George carried his share of the load in other ways, especially when he became President later on.

Most people know the story of George Washington chopping down his father's cherry tree.  (As a child.  You'd have to be a real jerk to do such a thing to your father as an adult.)  In the story, once questioned by his father the young Washington is quoted as saying "I cannot tell a lie, Pa."  To this day, it is a story told to children to encourage them to be honest after they've done something bad.  Unfortunately the whole thing was made up.  I guess the guy that made it up was fond of irony.

Another made-up lie is that George Washington had wooden teeth.  He did not.  He did have FALSE teeth, but they were made from other things.  The best ones were made from elephant and hippopotamus tusks and held together with gold springs.  Man, it must be good to be President.  The teeth are never seen in portraits of him.  Too difficult to hold the pose.

George Washington and his army endured a harsh winter at Valley Forge from 1777 until 1778.  It was only a few months, not as long as it sounds, but nevertheless conditions were miserable.  The men were tired, ill-equipped, often barefoot, and they only had one axe.  (and no, George did not chop down a cherry tree with it.)  Thousands died, but George Washington kept it together.  The food supply was low, but nobody resorted to cannibalism.

a lot of people, places, and things are named after George Washington.  These include the nation's capital, the STATE of Washington, the Washington Monument, George Washington Bridge, the Washington Redskins (indirectly), many U.S. citizens, and the George Washington Cocktail.

Ingredients

• 1 ½ oz dry vermouth
• 1 oz brandy
• ¼ oz simple syrup
• 1 dash Angostura bitters

Instructions
In a mixing glass with ice, stir all ingredients together. Strain into a rocks glass and serve with ice. Garnish with a cherry if desired.

In summary, I cannot tell a lie.  George Washington was GREAT.


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